Embracing Identity: The Journey of Composing Fine As Gucci and Understanding Queerness

When Nathan Mertens from the University of Colorado - Boulder asked me to write an EDM House Saxophone piece about his experience with queerness, I felt both honored and uncertain. At that time, I was juggling my Master’s degree, studying with Annika Socolofsky, and anxiously awaiting results for my doctoral degree application. Life was full of unknowns. This project became a welcome distraction and a space for reflection. We named the piece Fine As Gucci, intending it to celebrate pride in identity and resilience. Yet, I struggled with openly claiming my own queerness.

Facing Personal Doubts About Queerness

I was proud of my identity but questioned if I was “queer enough.” As a demisexual attracted only to men, I felt my queerness was less visible or valid. This internal conflict is common among people whose experiences don’t fit mainstream labels or expectations. My challenges were subtle but real, especially in music. I faced quiet biases and missed opportunities. For example, during my undergraduate studies, I was the only woman in both the jazz and composition departments. That environment felt isolating, even though the program has since grown more diverse.

Watching family members endure harsher struggles for their queerness put my own experiences in perspective. Their resilience inspired me to embrace my identity more openly, even if it looked different from theirs.

Creating Fine As Gucci as a Reflection of Pride

The process of composing Fine As Gucci became a way to explore and express pride in identity. EDM House music, with its energetic beats, provided a vibrant canvas for an expressive story via alto saxophone. The piece captures a sense of confidence and celebration, pushing back against feelings of invisibility.

Writing this music helped me confront my doubts and recognize that queerness is not about fitting a mold. It’s about owning your story, however unique. The saxophone’s voice in the piece symbolizes both vulnerability and strength, echoing the journey many queer people face.

Music in Queer Identity

Music has long been a space where queer identities find expression and community. From disco to house music, these genres have offered safe spaces and powerful platforms. Composing and researching for Fine As Gucci connected me to this tradition, reminding me that music can be a form of activism and healing.

For queer musicians, creating art is often intertwined with navigating personal and social challenges. The subtle comments and lost chances I experienced reflect broader issues in the music world. Yet, music also offers a way to claim space and visibility.

Embracing Your Own Journey

If you find yourself questioning your identity or feeling invisible, remember that your experience is valid. Pride is not about loud declarations but about knowing your worth. Whether through music, writing, or other forms of expression, find ways to celebrate who you are.

Fine As Gucci stands as a reminder that resilience and pride come in many forms. It’s okay to take time to understand yourself and to express your queerness in ways that feel authentic.